What I Wish Every Couple Knew Before Their First Session

Written by Nicole Hooker, LMFT

Nicole Hooker, LMFT, is a therapist at TherapyUtah in Lehi, specializing in relationship and trauma therapy. She’s trained in the Gottman Method and IFS and works with couples, families, and individuals.

I’ve lost count of how many times a couple has sat down on my couch, looked at each other, and one of them has said some version of, “We probably should’ve done this years ago.” It’s true and I get it. Most couples, especially husbands, report coming to couples therapy feels like admitting something. Like you’re pulling a fire alarm on your own relationship or admitting you’re headed toward divorce. I wish more people knew that’s not what it is at all.

Couples therapy is so much more than that. If we “should’ve done this years ago,” you might have challenges that could indicate bigger problems. Couples therapy is the place where those are interrupted. Research, including the Gottman Method, helps identify predictable patterns that when interrupted can restore trust and connection. Other types of therapy, like IFS, helps us understand the parts of ourselves that show up when we’re hurt or scared in a relationship. For example, the part that shuts down, the part that gets sharp, the part that just wants to be heard. Between the two, I’ve learned a lot about what couples wish they’d known sooner. Here’s what I’d tell you if we were just talking, before you ever booked a session.

You waited too long. Almost everyone does.

Research on couples therapy has found something sobering: most couples wait years, many studies put it around six years, of being unhappy before they ever get help. Six years. Think about what six years of quiet resentment, unspoken hurt, or slow distancing does to two people who probably still love each other.

I understand why. Nobody wants to be the one who suggests therapy, because it can feel like you’re saying “this is serious” or “I’ve given up.” But by the time couples get to me, they’re usually not coming in because things are fine. They’re coming in exhausted, having tried to fix it themselves for a long time. Let’s be real, we don’t have much training before we get into a relationship. Then life happens and we’re making it up as we go. It’s not a shame to come seek support in navigating the relationship. You’re not broken or weak, you’re just stuck. And you don’t need to wait for a crisis before talking honestly about your connection.

It’s the small repairs, not the grand gestures

People think good relationships are built on big romantic moments or perfect chemistry — the passionate expressions of love or knowing each other so well you don’t have to express your needs. And sure, those feel good. But what actually predicts whether a couple stays connected, according to the research, is something much smaller: repair attempts. A repair attempt is any small thing one partner does to de-escalate tension before it spirals — a joke that breaks the ice, a hand reaching for the other’s, “can we start that over,” a simple “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”

What matters isn’t whether repair attempts are smooth or perfectly timed. It’s whether the other partner is willing to notice them and let them work. I’ve watched couples repair a fight with something as small and clumsy as one partner making a bad pun at exactly the wrong moment — and it worked, because the other partner let it land. It’s those small bids for connection amongst the pain that communicate “I still see you” or “we’re still on the same team.” If you take one thing from this post, let it be that: stop waiting for the grand gesture and start noticing the small ones. If you want a place to start practicing this together, our couples counseling work is built around exactly this kind of skill-building.

Contempt is the one to watch for

Of everything the Gottman research has found, this is the one taken most seriously: contempt is the single most corrosive thing a relationship can carry. Not anger, not disagreement, not even criticism — contempt. That’s the eye-rolling, the sarcasm dripping with superiority, the “you always” said with disgust instead of hurt. It communicates something different than “I’m upset with you.” It communicates “I look down on you.” And it’s the strongest known predictor of relationships that don’t make it. Relationships can tolerate a lot, but contempt is the most destructive and is most predicted to contribute to divorce.

The good news is that contempt can be interrupted. Almost nobody starts a relationship with it. It builds slowly, usually out of years of unaddressed hurt that curdled into resentment. Naming it early — noticing when it’s crept in, understanding the parts of you that reach for it when you’re wounded — changes the whole trajectory. This is where I lean on approaches like emotionally focused therapy, which helps couples get underneath the contempt to the softer, scarier feelings it’s usually protecting.

Coming in isn’t a sign you failed

I want to say this plainly: needing help does not mean your relationship is broken beyond repair, and it doesn’t mean you failed at love. It means you’re two people who care enough to want to get better at this together. That’s not weakness — it’s actually strength. Some of the strongest couples I’ve worked with were the ones willing to be a little uncomfortable, a little humble, and sit across from a stranger and say “help us understand each other better.”

If you’re reading this wondering whether it’s “bad enough” yet to come in — it doesn’t have to be. You don’t need a crisis. You just need to be curious about doing this differently.

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